Saturday, October 11, 2008
Have you heard of them?
It's a christian singing group. They are wonderful!!
I can't seem to get enough of them.
They have made me think.
What am I doing with this gift of life?
I am taking advantage of everything that I have been given.
I have taken advantage of my body and soul. I have let people take advantage of me.
I have trashed my body and have real concern for my soul.
I believe in God and what he has done for me. I believe I will go to heaven when I die.
Is that enough? I don't know. I have been in major turmoil for awhile. I just didn't realize it until I listened to 33 miles. No group has touched me so much, or has made me question my way of life, and my decisions.
How do I fix this?
I know I am suppose to give everything to him. But how and not hang onto it.
I have to learn how to forgive the hurt in my heart. I have to let it go, but how. When I think I have given it to him it comes back. Does that mean he wants me to deal with it? If so HOW?
I'm not ready to face the people who have cut my heart out. It's easier to just ignore it. It's not the thing to do I know that. But what if they don't care about what they have done. What if they don't realize how much pain they have caused me? And what if they do and just don't care because it is easier for them to ignore it to.
I have lost a very important person in my life and I want them back. I truly do, but it could never be the same. That is killing me. I miss them terribly!
I know I need to be closer to God. I know what I have to do to get there.
There is a God and he is wonderful! I feel like I have let my father down and it is killing me.
I have never really felt like this before. This turmoil. This need to make everything right, with the two people who have hurt me. One, I can't be in the same room with, without getting nightmares of what he did to me in the barn. The second, I don't know, I have been in the same room with and ache for things to be right between us and know they never will be unless, unless what I don't know.
33 miles did this for me or to me I don't know. I thank them. Because they have made me think. They have made me realize maybe for the first time that he is here with me thru everything and has carried me when I didn't realize I needed to be carried.
They have also given me peace. Not alot but something I am trying to keep and let grow.
Please pray for me.
Please pray that I get the strength I need to do the right thing with my life and my soul.